________Time out__________

I want to take a time out from writing the story of my life...

Last week was Thanksgiving.

I have an amazing family.

Some family member drove several hours to get to our dinner, and once we got there, we ate...
and then we left.

I feel like every holiday, we all get together and cant wait to get home!

Ppl weren't even done with their meals and others were leaving. And for what?

From now on, We are going to have activities at our Holiday get togethers.

These activities will suit the Holiday we are celebrating, and before every game we will watch
a video of the family playing it the yr before...  this will get up amped up.

I have lost quite a few very close ppl in my life.

The ones I have left mean a lot to me and I would really like to completely relax and enjoy myself. There shouldn't be anything more important on major holidays than kicking your shoes off and playing a round of mad gab, or pin the Nose on Rudolph! =)

Here are some great Holiday Activities:

       Christmas:
          Santa's Reindeer Scavenger Hunt (http://www.partygameideas.com/)
     
This is a scavenger hunt type game. You'll need to buy 8 reindeer, one more if you want to include Rudolph.
Here is the Prep - Santa's Reindeer had a big party last night the eve before Christmas Eve and now Santa doesn't know where they are and he needs your help to find his reindeer!

Each guest is given a piece of paper and a pencil and asked to find Santa’s reindeer, the first 8 people (or 9) to find Santa's Reindeer will win a prize. (You can give whatever). You can also set a time limit too that way people may not be running and then you give prizes to the people who got the most correct.

At the location of your party, you'll need to hide each reindeer amongst the room some should be easy to find and some more difficult. Place one on the snack table; one could be in with the presents, one in the tree, and so on! The goal is for your guests to find Santa's reindeer and the first 8 or 9 people to finish correctly each win a reindeer to take home.

Other options would include allowing each winner to pick a reindeer (1st person to turn in their sheet would go first) and randomly have 1 reindeer be marked for an extra special prize or gift. (Gift basket, money, etc...)

           
             Pin the Nose on Rudolph (kids) (http://www.activityvilliage.co.uk/)

This is a simple children's Christmas party game. I deal for young children due to the simple rules. It's all round good fun.

Preparing the game Draw a large reindeer to pin on the wall or to stick to a table. Try not to leave indented drawing lines on the paper, we don't want any cheating!

Make a red nose and cut it out. Or you could paint a Ping-Pong ball red and use that for Rudolf's nose. Stick some blue tack on the back of the nose so that it easily sticks to the large reindeer drawing.

How to play Blindfold your first contestant with a scarf. Give them the nose and then turn them round 3 times and then guide them to the reindeer picture.

The contestant must then stick the nose on where they think Rudolf's nose should be in the picture whilst still blindfolded.

Once the nose is stuck in place, the contestant can remove their blindfold to see the result. The referee should mark the spot with a small 'x' and then label it with the contestant's name. Blindfold the next contestant to repeat the process.

Once everyone has taken a turn, the winner is the contestant whose 'x' is closest to the correct place for Rudolf's bright red nose.

Hitting tha fan.

Constantly bickering, My ex and I were trying to patch things up.

My Crush and I had been caught texting, e-mailing, and talking on the phone.

I was over it.

If you love me, why are you not with me?

Why would you still be with the person you do not belong with. Maybe I should ask myself that.

I planned several "Girls Night Out" occasions. Me and my girl friends would all meet at the bar.
Secretly I would be meeting my crush. They knew it. They looked the other direction. There was no
telling us what we should and shouldn't do.

Our latest attempt to keep in touch secretly, was the dumbest idea we could have ever thought of.

He suggested I make a Facebook account under a name of one of his friends. (I guess we wanted to be sure we were really in love before we made a mess of our lives and a path of distruction) Instead I made an account with a total fake name. Silly me, made the account with my own email address which is in BIG BOLD LETTERS on the profile page. (Or did I do it on purpose, you ask?)

I admit, A lot of arguments I caused between my self and the father of my babies and My crush and his wife were planned and worked out accordingly.

Everyone knows it is easier to break up with someone you care about if they are mad.

And we did care about them.

We decided we wanted to be together!

The question was no longer "if?" but "when and how?".

We corresponded a few times through the fake facebook account.

Writing silly messages and chatting back and forth.

We continued our flirtatiousness at work for the whole world to see. We were in love.. Who cares who knows.

One night, I get a call from my "baby daddy" while I am at work. ((I remember this night too vividly))
He is screaming at me, asking me who is this person with my e-mail address on facebook whose only friend is **** ******* (My Crush).

I have no answers for him.

He took my daughter to my mother, and for some ridiculous reason, he brought my son to me. Keep in mind he was about 5 months old, so in a car seat.

For some reason, on this day, I was sitting in my crushes office. Something went wrong with staffing and I volunteered... imagine that =)

I was sitting in his office with my son... My crush knew exactly why. He was looking at me and talking on the phone.

It was his wife, and all hell was about to break loose....

*Changes*

"Mom?" I sent her a text from the bedroom at 7am. She came running into the bedroom where I was in excruciating pain.

It was coming from my lower back and abdominal area.

My last pregnancy was induced, so i did not experience this before.

About an hour later... All the pain was gone. It was about 5 days before Christmas, and a week before my due date.

My sister and I decided to go shopping to finish our Christmas lists. We were in the store for about 2 hours when my water broke.

The contractions were about 5 minutes apart... and about 6 hours and an epidural later, I gave birth to my very handsome baby boy Kharter Anthony.

Now I have 2 kids. Live at home with mom. Going to school full time. Work full time. And couldn't have the love of my life. I was one stressed out, sleep deprived momma.

I took a leave from work for 6 weeks. Kharter had stomach problems and didn't sleep well the entire 6 weeks.

The 6 weeks went by fast.

My crush and I couldn't go that long without talking. We e-mailed and talked on the phone almost the entire time. I made a few trips to see him. I missed him very much.

It was time for me to go back to work.

I went in for the first day back and was overwhelmed with emotions. I get to see him everyday again!

Next week was Valentine's day.

I wished we were together... I wanted this day to be ours!

We took our breaks together and chatted in between calls.

On Valentine's Day I came into work with a Card on my desk from my crush. Melted my heart, but made me very sad at the same time.

Little did I know... My life was really about to change.
______________________________________________________
I found an apartment in Russellville. My two babies and I moved in.

For some reason my ex had swindled his way in, and I invited him back to live with us.

                        My crush and I both tried very hard for so long to

                            make our own families work...

                       There is only so much you can do.

                            And forcing yourself to be in love with someone

                        Is just not possible...

Counting down

Summer break was almost over, and I was about to start my 3rd semester. I went to school about 20 minutes away, and My crush came to see me on a lunch break or two.

We would spend the whole day e-mailing each other about how we wished things were easier, and how amazing it would be to end up together.

 We took our breaks together everyday.

Any reason at all for him to come into my office, he was there!

It really was like a relationship...

I concentrated on school as much as I could but it had been a whole year now and the butterflies hadn't gone away.

My belly was getting bigger. I could feel my baby boy kicking.

The bigger I got, the more insecure I felt. The more unattractive I felt.

How would this guy continue to love me with my HUGE baby belly.

I heard several times that certain people thought the baby was his, but up through now, we had only kissed once.

and it was cut short.

I was getting off work at 10pm this semester since I had an 8am class.

On the days that he called in or left early (which was often)  we would meet outside
of work from 10-11pm, sit there and talk... The way he looked at me, even though I
was big and prego, I knew he loved me...

A few days later, he whispered into my ear: "I Love you, you don't have to say it back. I just wanted you to know"

I didn't say it back...

I admitted it later.

I did love him. It had evolved into love.

It was coming down to the end of the semester. And the end of my pregnancy.

I was so ready. I really do not like being pregnant. And for the last 8 or so months... I have convinced myself that I will not have any more.

My baby shower was coming up. That was exciting. I LOVE baby clothes, and little diapers.

I worked on invitations for days. My little man was coming soon...

Broken

I had a secret that I couldn't tell anyone.

Not my boyfriend, not my best friends, not my sister, not my crush, not my mother.

It was a secret that was sure to be talked about.

I was 5 weeks pregnant with my baby boy.

I had been sick for days.

I couldn't hold my head up at work. Talking on the phone even made me vomit.

This hurts. Not only do I have a 9 month old, but I am pregnant again.

As soon as this secret is out, people will gossip. I know because, My crush and I had recently been exposed. And no one would believe that we had never done anything... Except that one kiss. And I absolutely regretted the kiss.

I told a few friends.

About 2 weeks after I found out, I get a message from my crush. It says: "You're Pregnant?"
I immediately knew who told him. But, I didn't know why. I am sure she just didn't know the intensity of our relationship.

     It literally felt like we were in a relationship_ Even though we were far from it.

But, I couldn't help but to explode on her.

I felt horrible. After all, Everyone would find out soon. But those two words, "You're Pregnant?", even though I couldn't hear or see him, I knew his heart dropped the way mine did.

After I finally admitted it, "I ruined everything".

"You didn't ruin everything, maybe just made things more difficult but we'll make it" he finally responded.

And so the secret was out.

I was still living in the house with my boyfriend.

At home, I was sad. I wasn't even involved in my relationship. It was as if we were just roommates who shared the same love for a child.

As soon as I broke down and told him, he seemed very disappointed. Made excuses as to why he should go out every night.

We finally decided to take what money we had and separate, after a few very short months.

I moved home to my mother's once again.

And fell even more in love with who I knew was the love of my life.

We were moved back into the same building. He was right next to me...

I accepted the fact that I was having another baby. And he didn't treat me any differently.
Things were back to good.

Until the rumors started.

Constructive? Or Damaging...

I knew instantly that I didn't want to talk.

I knew instantly that we had done exactly what we didn't want to do, and that was to hurt someone.

Why did she have to find the very last message that would come from me.

I sat there and listened to her with the most sincere regret.

But now, Our secret was exposed.

Now, She and my boyfriend both knew. And now there was no reason to hide it.

My crush deleted that e-mail address for the sake of fighting. But shortly after, he made a new one. Now more than ever we were ok with talking. Whether it be through e-mails or texts, or even over the phone.

We had close friends, who knew exactly how we felt about each other that made things happen for us.

If this was just a crush, I sort of wanted it to hurry up and pass. The situation was kind of a burden. Not my feelings, but the fact that I was stuck in the middle of a big mess.

I requested to be moved from his office. I could no longer do this to her. Or to my very own family. I was moved to a different building with a new supervisor, new faces, and new materials.

I no longer worked with any of my close friends. I stopped talking to him...

I didn't want this any longer. I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to hurt others. And that is all I was doing.

From February 2008- April 2008. We didn't speak. No texts. No e-mails, No phone calls.

I continued going to school. It was my second semester. I loved the fact that I finally did it. It took me having a baby to boost my motivation. But I was in, and my life was easy.

I started talking to my boyfriend again. We decided we would move into a house together. But the entire time I felt cheated.

Why couldn't I have my soul mate...

I started to make myself have fun though. Grandmas and Aunties wanted to watch my baby girl on certain days of the month. I would go out with friends, or long lost cousins that I hadn't talked to in years. We had guests over, cook outs, club nights, and family days.

I was pretending to be ok.

Finally I break down and chat him. For some reason I cant stop having dreams about him. 

His smile weakened my knees, and gave me butterflies. I told him to meet me outside of my building, and we both came up with an excuse to go outside. 

We talked for about 10 minutes about how we weren't managing very well with out each other.

"Absence makes the Heart Grow Fonder" .... Right?

We listened to music. He had slipped a piece of gum in his mouth (slick like) and we started saying our good byes. Right before I opened my door we grabbed me and kissed me. This was the first time.

My heart melted. And about 5 seconds in, I got extremely angry. I was done. Are you kidding Khelli?... What are you thinking...

I jumped out of the car and as I walked back inside, I text him. I don't ever wanna talk to you again...

I was so nauseous...

But not because of him...

Journey

Everything changed when we knew how each other felt. Almost wish we wouldn't have said anything.

The next few months were very difficult.

We needed a way to talk. But secretly. Neither of our intentions were inadequate. We both loved our own families very much. On the other hand, we wondered why we were so captivated. Why, If I was in love with

the father of my child, and my crush was perfectly happy at home with his family, did we fall completely head over heels for each other.

We needed a way to communicate with each other, and we found a way.

I was walking out of class early one morning, and I get a text message on my phone from an email address heyitsme@yahoo.com. I knew immediately we would communicate via secret e-mail.

Any where between 200-250 e-mails where sent... per day.

Our relationship was merely based on connection... Physical Attraction was a small part of it. But, overall, It was the sparks that flew every time we seen each other.

We talked about what it would be like if we were to end up together. At this point in our lives, we were just talking. No interest at all in hurting our significant others.

One day he wasn't at work. I hated these days. I was missing him all day.

I got a message close to the end of the night. It said "...Ride with me".

"Leave work and take a ride with me."

I asked to go home early. We rode to the liquor store and back. On the way, we talked about disregarding our feelings for each other. We decided this time that we would work on our families. All the effort we spent on each other, we thought, would be very constructive for our own homes.

"I am going to work things out with him, Let me know if you change your mind." I sent to him, a few days later.

Immediately, My phone rings. The caller Id says it is him. This is eerie. He doesn't call me for the fear we will be caught talking.

I answer, Hello? Almost in a whisper and I was the only way home.

Khelli? She says...

Its Out!

For many weeks after the Party, We didn't speak.

Afraid of what to say? No I don't think so.

More like scared of rejection.

I would come to work to work, not to socialize; and the same for him.

When I told my bff how I felt a few months ago, I had referred to it as our secret. Out of the blue my Crush passes me a note through the office. I open it with butterflies in my stomach just like in Junior High when you would walk down the hall and get a random letter from some cute guy. 

I opened it as fast as I could but slow so I didn't seem anxious. After all, When it comes to playing "tha game" I have to be "the player" right? So he couldn't see me sweat him...

            I like to think I have always had the upper hand in my relationships. In the course of 6 years, I have been in 2 major relationships.

           One thing about dating is that Each guy has a different quality that you like about him. A soul mate is supposed to have all of those qualities wrapped up in one and topped with some personality.

The note read, "What is your secret?"

Right then and there, My mind is racing. If I tell him... What will happen? Will anything happen? Is this just a crush that will go away in time?

If I don't tell him, when will I work up the courage or will he ever confront me again?

Ok, So I shrug it off.

He sends me another one.

It reads "You have a crush on me?"

    So kiddish, I know. But we felt like kids again...
I look up at him, and we both have the red cheeks, very nervous and everything seemed to be in slow motion.  I just nodded my head yes. And that was the end of it...

About an hour or two later, I get one more note.

By this time, The awkwardness was gone and I am thinking "Come on, I just got my blush to fade"

I open it quickly.

I immediately run out of the office. Not sure what I was thinking at that time... My palms were sweaty.

Why did I even tell him!?

Audible & Blatant

Time flew by...

It was a couple nights before New Years night, and the only person I had told about my crush was my bfff.
She hadnt told anyone I could tell.  Heritage was like a soap opera on steriods, and gossip
around there would have spread rather quickly.

My friends were planning a New Years Party at their parents house. Little did I know, My crush would arrive later that evening.

So, On the 31st, My boyfriend and I decide to put our pasts behind us. After all, We have a beautiful baby
girl together. It is worth the effort of making the relationship work. We decide to head on over to the shindig.

Im in the clear. No enemies. Seems like tonight is going to be smooth sailing.

I get a call from a friend of mine who in later time, turns out to be one very true, very honest, and loyal confidant. She tells me she is on her way over to the party. She is bringing her (then) boyfriend and my Supervisor and his wife. (The sailboat is no longer sailing)

One tequilla, Two tequilla, 3 tequilla, MORE! 

By this time, all of my discreetness is out of the window. 

My crush and I are dancing away as our significant others pay no attention to us at all, since it is the unthinkable anyway. A few eye gazes and a wink or 2 later, The night is coming to an end.  

Riding home in silence, I smile a time or so to myself. What have I done to myself? I have fallen in love with this man, totally by accident, and the feelings are irreversible...

I couldnt sleep this night. I have a daughter, and a boyfriend (on again- off again) and my crush has a wife and 2 kids! There is nothing else I can do. I can't act on my feelings. How unfair is that for everyone involved. I can't hide my feelings either, how unfair to me... hmmm

__Inaudible__

Feelings where growing... Wasnt sure if he felt the same way.

I had to keep quiet.


Life goes on.


My baby girl was going on 5 months and this was her very first Christmas.
My boyfriend and I decided we would move out of our apartment and I moved
back home with my mom, Aubree and I shared a room that was the size of
a porch, but atleast my mom was there to help with the baby.

I was coming up on the end of my first semester of college, raising a baby girl

working full  time and dealing with relationship issues... Very busy. My mind had

begin to block out all emotions as sleep deprivation sat it from feedings and readings.

Trying to manage a full load was harder than I thought.

Finals were coming up. I had pimped the system so that I would sleep in between classes,

study at work, and show my daughter some love in my not so "free time".

I really didnt have time to fall in love with anyone. My face was stuck in a book or hidden

behind flashcards. Other times I would accidently go to work with spit up on my shirt.

**Very attractive, i know.

I didn't hang out with friends much, or go to any parties. I was 21 and that life as I knew it
was over... (or so I thought).

These are the days of my life...

This is who I am, this way you will be intrigued on what is to follow...

It was July of 2007...

...It had been a year into a very counterfactual relationship. I am just getting over the post birth of my brand new baby girl. I had been out of work for the entire time I had been prenant. The only place I knew I could go back to work is my previous employer. This was the best decision of my life...

The Heritage Co. was a Company built to raise funds for non-profit organizations, and had been my employer for atleast 3 years before I got pregnant. It is split into offices and there is typically one supervisor that sits at the front of the office and 10 sales reps sitting facing him/her.

About a month after I started, I was switched offices to a different supervisor.

My first thought: very disappointed... I dont know this man personally. I did, however, know him by name. He was supposed to be some big shot sales rep that got promoted. My thoughts were, "He is probably very arrogant".

For a good 3 or 4 months straight, other sales reps would come and go...

Soon it was only myself and a few familiar faces in that office...

My best friend worked accross the way. She was the type of person that I could tell anything.

In the most monotonous world, I developed interest in the most bizarre form. This was a very unfamiliar feeling, not lust... but I knew I could tell her... Her reaction was about like mine when I learned you could pause and rewind LIVE tv!

I couldn't tell him I had a crush on him, like in high school... It would destroy several relationships and quite possibly get me moved to a different supervisor's office...