Constructive? Or Damaging...

I knew instantly that I didn't want to talk.

I knew instantly that we had done exactly what we didn't want to do, and that was to hurt someone.

Why did she have to find the very last message that would come from me.

I sat there and listened to her with the most sincere regret.

But now, Our secret was exposed.

Now, She and my boyfriend both knew. And now there was no reason to hide it.

My crush deleted that e-mail address for the sake of fighting. But shortly after, he made a new one. Now more than ever we were ok with talking. Whether it be through e-mails or texts, or even over the phone.

We had close friends, who knew exactly how we felt about each other that made things happen for us.

If this was just a crush, I sort of wanted it to hurry up and pass. The situation was kind of a burden. Not my feelings, but the fact that I was stuck in the middle of a big mess.

I requested to be moved from his office. I could no longer do this to her. Or to my very own family. I was moved to a different building with a new supervisor, new faces, and new materials.

I no longer worked with any of my close friends. I stopped talking to him...

I didn't want this any longer. I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to hurt others. And that is all I was doing.

From February 2008- April 2008. We didn't speak. No texts. No e-mails, No phone calls.

I continued going to school. It was my second semester. I loved the fact that I finally did it. It took me having a baby to boost my motivation. But I was in, and my life was easy.

I started talking to my boyfriend again. We decided we would move into a house together. But the entire time I felt cheated.

Why couldn't I have my soul mate...

I started to make myself have fun though. Grandmas and Aunties wanted to watch my baby girl on certain days of the month. I would go out with friends, or long lost cousins that I hadn't talked to in years. We had guests over, cook outs, club nights, and family days.

I was pretending to be ok.

Finally I break down and chat him. For some reason I cant stop having dreams about him. 

His smile weakened my knees, and gave me butterflies. I told him to meet me outside of my building, and we both came up with an excuse to go outside. 

We talked for about 10 minutes about how we weren't managing very well with out each other.

"Absence makes the Heart Grow Fonder" .... Right?

We listened to music. He had slipped a piece of gum in his mouth (slick like) and we started saying our good byes. Right before I opened my door we grabbed me and kissed me. This was the first time.

My heart melted. And about 5 seconds in, I got extremely angry. I was done. Are you kidding Khelli?... What are you thinking...

I jumped out of the car and as I walked back inside, I text him. I don't ever wanna talk to you again...

I was so nauseous...

But not because of him...